In principle I have nothing against the idea of dating websites, but I’m starting to get really annoyed by the constant barrage of patronizing, intrusive, and prurient ads for such sites, which all suggest that if I sign up I’ll instantly be deluged by sultry, cleavage-baring vixens. (I’m annoyed because I think they’re misleading me. If by some chance they’re not, somebody please let me know and I’ll sign up.) One recent ad I saw said “Find True Love” and featured a shot of cleavage. Just cleavage. I mean come on.
But that brings me to a serious issue. A gathering storm. Certainly the greatest threat in the history of the world. Forget terrorism, global warming, nuclear proliferation, or an avian flu pandemic. We can’t waste any time on crap like that with this other threat looming over us. I think you know what I’m talking about.
Nipples. Yeah, that’s right — nipples. Just the word sends terror down the spine and makes the blood run cold. Nipples are everywhere. Everywhere. You probably know people with nipples. I’ve heard rumors that some people even have two of them. Maybe you’ve even seen nipples and lived to tell of it. The most insidious thing about nipples is that it’s so hard to see what’s so bad about them. That’s just what makes them so dangerous. But some people are fighting back. Take for instance this judge in Lincoln who may send a woman to jail for 8 months for having an insufficiently opaque coating on her nipples. I fear it’s too little too late. Nipples will probably soon overwhelm all of North America, and we will all be forced to flee to Europe, where no one has ever even heard of nipples.
Leave a Reply