I’ve been to a string of bad author readings recently, which is a drag. I’ve attended dozens and dozens of readings, and the really bad ones always seem to fall into two categories:
Bad Reading Scenario #1: You show up on time, but nobody’s there. You wait. Three or four people straggle in. Finally the author shows up, half an hour late and looking like he’s been sleeping in the stock room for the past three days. He wanders up to the podium. He has to ask the bookstore staff person how to operate the microphone. Finally the author says, “Hey. Um … I wrote a book. I don’t know. I’ve never been to one of these things before. What do you want me to do? I guess I could read a passage or something.” He turns to the bookstore staff person. “Hey! Hey, do you have a copy of my book I could read from?” He turns back to the audience. “Or, I don’t know, I could answer questions, I guess. Any questions?” The audience is dead silent.
Bad Reading Scenario #2: Tons of people show up, but they’re all old friends of the author. The author shows up on time, but spends half an hour catching up with people and downing cocktails, so the event still starts late. Finally, completely hammered, she stumbles up to the podium and says, “Hey, everybody! I don’t know about you, but I find these things soooo boring, so I’m just going to read like a paragraph.” She reads a paragraph, then says, “I guess I’m supposed to take questions?” Someone in the audience asks, “What inspired you to write this book?” The author squints into the crowd and says, “Who’s that? Is that Chrissy? Oh my God, I haven’t seen you in forever! Hey everybody, this is Chrissy! We went to summer camp together! Wow! Wait, what was the question? What inspired me to write this book? You did, Chrissy! I wrote it for you! I love you, Chrissy! Woo!” A few more questions follow, with similar answers. Finally the author declares, “Okay, enough of this, let’s get back to the booze! Woo!”
Authors of the world, don’t let this be you.
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