Here’s a conversation I had recently with a female relative of mine, who for her own good shall remain anonymous.
Anonymous Relative: David! Why haven’t you written a story about me? I’m always telling you to write a story and put me in it, and you never do it!
Me: No, I guess not.
AR: Well, why not?
Me: I don’t know. Do you think you’d make a good character?
AR: Yes!
Me: You know, good characters in fiction are usually complex and conflicted. Do you think that you’re complex and conflicted?
AR: Yes!
Me: Well, what kind of character would you be? I mean, say you had to describe yourself. Give me ten adjectives.
AR: I have ADD.
Me: Okay, that’s not really an adjective, but I’ll take it.
AR: Um, I’m flighty. I hate school. I always say exactly what I think.
Me: Okay, how about some positive qualities.
AR: Huh?
Me: I mean, what’s good about you? Everything you’ve listed so far is something negative.
AR: I said that I always say exactly what I think. That’s something good.
Me: Um … I guess it could be.
AR: And I’m a good friend.
Me: In what way are you a good friend?
AR: Well, like, if I want to say something bad about one of my friends, I wait until they’re not around, so they won’t get their feelings hurt.
Me: Wait, so you say bad things about your friends, but only behind their backs?
AR: Yeah … I also help people with their problems.
Me: Like what problems?
AR: Well, like I help my friend [redacted].
Me: And what are her problems?
AR: That she’s a total whore.
Me: Um … and how do you help her with that?
AR: I tell her to stop being such a whore.
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