David Barr Kirtley

Science fiction author and podcaster

  • Home
  • Bio
  • Stories
  • Books & Magazines
  • Podcast
  • Blog
  • Contact

Cut Copy Hearts On Fire Music Video

July 2, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

Ha. This video is awesome:



In one of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy books there’s a guy and it’s always raining everywhere he goes, and he’s pathologically depressed because of it, and he keeps a journal of everywhere he travels just so he can show people and they can check it that yes, it always, always rains wherever he is. Then at the end of one chapter it briefly switches to the point of view of the rainclouds, and it turns out that they regard this guy as a sort of rain god, and the best way they can think of to show their love for him is to follow him everywhere he goes and shower their rain down upon him. This video sort of reminds me of that.

Filed Under: music

Lightspeed Magazine July 2010

July 2, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 1 Comment

Here’s the cover of the July issue of Lightspeed magazine, which features fiction by George R. R. Martin, Tobias Buckell, Carol Emshwiller, and Genevieve Valentine. The gorgeous cover art is “Artificial Dream” by Julie Dillon. As always, you can chip in a few bucks and download the entire issue now, or drop by the website throughout the month and read the content as it’s released for free online.

lightspeed magazine july 2010 cover julie dillon art

Filed Under: Uncategorized

“Cats in Victory” Review at ActuSF.com Forum

June 29, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

Here’s a review of “Cats in Victory” from the ActuSF forum. It’s in French, so I’ve taken the liberty of running it through Babel Fish:

Cats in Victory de David Barr Kirtley really did me hot in the middle. A ground populated by men cats created millenia ago by men who started from then a long time. But there are also men dogs whom one believes disappeared. And when men cats and men dogs meet again it can be only one disaster. Unless a badly liked feeling do not come to change the things: curiosity. In short one spoke about positive SF it does not have there so a long time. This text is a splendid example in spite of its wrongfully naive tone. And it is a nice homage in Cordwainer Smith some share.

Of course, doing you hot in the middle is definitely one of my goals, so I’m glad to hear that I’m succeeding.

Filed Under: letters/comments/reviews

History of Rome Podcast Commodus

June 28, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

Episode 97 of Mike Duncan’s excellent History of Rome podcast deals with the depraved final years of the emperor Commodus (best known as Russell Crowe’s nemesis in the Ridley Scott film Gladiator).

Joaquin Phoenix Commodus Gladiator movie

Here’s a sample:

“Obviously you can’t have the emperor going out there and getting killed by some random slave, so Commodus typically fought pre-wounded opponents or, more commonly, opponents who had been given a lead sword to match up against the emperor’s sharpened steel … Adding a malevolent edge to his somewhat ridiculous displays of alleged gladiatorial prowess was the fact that Commodus took particular delight in killing anything that seemed freakish. He would bring in midgets so he could pretend to be a mighty giant, he would bring in amputees and watch them hobble around feebly as he toyed with them, and at times he would put his surgical skills to the test and slowly dismember victims while avoiding major arteries.”

“By 191, Commodus was beginning to lose touch even with the masses, who had always supported an emperor as obsessed with the games as they were. They began to look sideways at his obsession with Hercules, and took as mighty impious the claim that he was actually the reincarnation of the old Greek hero. When Commodus began erecting statues across the city featuring himself dressed as Hercules, and began carrying around a great big club which he called the ‘Club of Hercules,’ the people joined in the aristocracy’s concern over the sanity of their emperor.”

“In early 192, he fully embraced his own outsized megalomania and declared that henceforth Rome would no longer be called ‘Rome’ but instead the ‘Colonia Annia Commodiana,’ in other words, ‘The City of Commodus.’ He further decreed that the ‘legions’ would now be called the ‘commodiani,’ and the ‘Senate’ would be called ‘Commodus’s Fortunate Senate,’ a sort of darkly comic re-branding. Having already changed his full name to ‘Lucius Aelius Aurelius Commodus Augustus Herculus Romanus Exsuperatorius Amazonius Invictus Felix Pius,’ he then changed the names of the months so that each lined up with one of his twelve corresponding names.”

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Girl and the Sea Music Video The Presets

June 27, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

Here’s one of the more wonderfully strange music videos I’ve seen lately:


Filed Under: music

Imaro by Charles Saunders

June 25, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

In episode 21 of Geek’s Guide to the Galaxy we interviewed Nnedi Okorafor, and then John and I talked a bit about fantasy & science fiction that involves Africa. In the comments, Marc Rikmenspoel asked, “Is there any discussion of Charles R. Saunders and his Imaro and Dossouye stories? These are set in a mythical Africa, with influence from sub-Saharan African legends and lore.” I wasn’t familiar with Saunders’ writing, but as soon as I heard about it, I thought, “Wait, it’s a Robert E. Howard-style sword & sorcery adventure set in Africa? Wow, I have got to read that.” I’ve only read the first few chapters, but so far I am really, really enjoying it. Check it out.

Imaro by Charles Saunders

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Fiction Online

June 24, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

Put this together for my website. Here’s all (I think) of my fiction that’s currently online (not counting stuff I wrote in high school).

  “Family Tree”

A young wizard gets caught up in a conflict between the two sides of his tree-dwelling family.

Text
Available Here

  “Save Me Plz”

A young woman searches for her video game-obsessed ex-boyfriend.

Audio
Read by Mur Lafferty

Text
Available Here

  “The Skull-Faced Boy”

Two friends clash after coming back to life as zombies.

Audio
Read by Ralph Walters
Read by David Barr Kirtley

  “Red Road”

A pair of mice set off on a quest.

Audio
Read by David Barr Kirtley

Text
Intergalactic Medicine Show

  “Veil of Ignorance”

A group of friends experiment with a mind-bending alien drug.

Audio
Read by Rick Jelinek
Read by David Barr Kirtley

  “Blood of Virgins”

College students ride dragons.

Audio
Read by Steve Eley
Read by David Barr Kirtley

Text
Available Here

  “Transformations”

A boy befriends a robot who can turn into a car.

Text
Available Here

  “Cats in Victory”

Three catmen attempt to hunt down the last of the dogmen.

Audio
Read by Rajan Khanna

Text
Lightspeed

  “The Second Rat”

A man discovers that he can rewind time.

Audio
Read by Bob Barnes

  “The Disciple”

A college offers a class in black magic.

Audio
Read by Matthew Wayne Selznick

Filed Under: my fiction

Stupid Adventure Game Puzzles – King’s Quest II

June 21, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 1 Comment

Oh wow, I guess I had managed to completely block out this next stupid-ass puzzle, but now I have — unfortunately — remembered it. This is from King’s Quest II, which is perhaps the weakest in the series, for reasons which will shortly become apparent.

So you arrive at this highly contrived geography with cliffs on either side and boulders blocking all but a narrow path guarded by a poisonous snake:

King's quest ii screenshot

Nothing works that you think to try — like maybe just scrambling over the low rocks and circling around the snake — until you realize that you’re carrying a … a … oh god I’m embarrassed to even write this down … a bridle. Yeah, that kind of bridle, the kind you put on a horse, and so of course you type “put bridle on snake.” Makes sense, right?

And then the snake turns into Pegasus, who explains that he was transformed into a snake by an evil wizard, and that this magic bridle is the only thing that could restore him to his proper form, and then he offers you a lift to your next destination.

No, I am not making this up.

Has there been any indication up to this point that the bridle is magic, or that Pegasus exists, or that the snake is anything besides just a normal snake? None whatsoever.

Puzzle design, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!

Filed Under: nostalgia

Stupid Adventure Game Puzzles – King’s Quest V

June 21, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 4 Comments

Okay we’re back, this time with some stupid puzzles from King’s Quest V. King’s Quest V was the first game of its kind to be in VGA (256 colors), and it’s absolutely gorgeous. It’s so gorgeous in fact that the designers seem to have decided that it would be excessively generous to make it logical and playable as well. The thing is just chock-full of dead ends and nonsensical puzzles. Here are two of the worst:

At one point you have to venture into a spooky forest and vanquish an evil witch. When you try to depart the forest however, you find that you’re trapped in a magical sort of time-space loop, treading the same paths over and over. Take a minute to imagine how you might escape from this predicament. Got any ideas?

If so, I’m 100% sure one of them was not, “Pour some peanut butter on the ground, and then drop jewels in the peanut butter, so that a greedy fairy who you’ve never heard of before will rush out of the bushes and get himself stuck in the peanut butter. If you free him, he’ll help you out.”

King's Quest 5 screenshot

Yeah, no joke. That’s actually what you have to do. And even if you somehow get it into your head to pour peanut butter on the ground, it only works in one particular spot — one totally arbitrary spot. Good luck figuring that one out.

Later in the game you’re crossing some snowy mountains. As you pass a cave mouth, a yeti comes racing toward you, and you have about two seconds to react before being disemboweled. So basically you die, restore your game, and have enough time to try using one inventory item against the yeti before you die and have to restore again, etc. Almost certainly the very last object in your inventory that you would think to use is your fresh-baked pie:

King's Quest 5 screenshot

Yeah, that’s right, the solution to the yeti “puzzle” is to give him the old pie-in-the-face. What the hell? Okay, using a mirror against Medusa, that makes sense. Using a crucifix against a vampire, fine. But using a freaking pie against a yeti? WTF?

Filed Under: nostalgia

Stupid Adventure Game Puzzles – King’s Quest IV

June 21, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 2 Comments

Okay, so here are some more of the stupidest adventure game puzzles of all time, this time from the King’s Quest series.

At the very,very beginning of King’s Quest IV, you stumble across this house in the woods:

King's Quest IV screenshot

When you go inside you find that the place seems to be the home of seven bachelors, and boy are they slobs. Aha, you think, I recognize this, and so you set to work cleaning up the joint. Soon the occupants return, grab some grub, and thank you for cleaning up after them. When they’re gone, you notice that they’ve left a present for you on the kitchen table — a bag of diamonds! Great, you think, I know a poor fisherman and his wife who could really use these. So then you give the diamonds to the fisherman and he rewards you with a fishing pole. Great, you’re really on your way now.

Except you’ve just LOST THE GAME. Yeah, that’s right, you lost the game and you don’t even know it, and you’ll play for hours and hours and hours until you’re almost at the very, very end, and then you’ll get to a dark cave and have no way to get through, and then you’ll play for hours and hours more, completely frustrated, trying to figure out just what the hell you’re supposed to do now.

Turns out what you have to do is start the game over from the very beginning. See, you know earlier when it seemed like those dwarves were giving you a bag of diamonds? Actually what happened is that they just accidentally left a bag of diamonds sitting around on the table during lunch (WTF?) and what you’re supposed to do is try to return it to them, in which case they say, “Nah, keep ’em,” and also give you a lantern that you can’t beat the game without. Oh my god, what SADISTIC FREAK designed this game?

Okay, I was actually planning to list two more, but now I’m so angry just from thinking about that one that I need a break. Back in a bit.

Filed Under: nostalgia

Loose Leaf Stories Reviews My Short Story “Cats in Victory”

June 21, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 1 Comment

Here’s a review of “Cats in Victory” from Loose Leaf Stories:

Another short story from Lightspeed Magazine, “Cats in Victory”! Don’t let the first sections mislead you, “Cats in Victory” is science fiction, not fantasy. I loved Tailchaser’s Song, so I’m naturally fine with cats – or catmen – as characters. “Cats in Victory” is written by David Barr Kirtley, a chronic and incorrigible contributor to sci-fi publications. It’s a pretty good story, very much in the spirit of Planet of the Apes. I won’t be saving it off to my hard drive or anything, but it was a fun read and I’d certainly give anything else by Kirtley a shot! Lightspeed offers “Cats in Victory” both in print and podcast. Happy reading!

One thing I’m wondering is what exactly qualifies an author as “chronic”? Is that sort of like “prolific”? Jeff Carlson just referred to me as “prolific” too, which sort of surprised me, since I’ve been managing about two short stories a year lately, which doesn’t seem like that much to me. Or is it “chronic” meaning like “badass?” — like “You are totally chronic, man, totally.” Is that something the kids are saying these days? In any event, I’m happy to be referred to as chronic, since I confess I’ve always sort of liked to think of myself as like the gout of science fiction.

Filed Under: letters/comments/reviews

More Comments on My Short Story “Cats in Victory”

June 20, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

A few more comments on “Cats in Victory.”

On the StarShipSofa forum, subgenre says, “I liked the idea of taking a childhood fantasy with moral simplicity and racist undertones and re-envisioning it as a morally complex post-apocalyptic tale.” Dinsdale says, “I liked both stories this week, especially ‘Cats in Victory.’ Great stuff, kind of reminded me of Planet of the Apes. I like that type of story. I wish the monkeyman would’ve protected his amulet better. I wonder if the author has considered a sequel?” And Talia says, “‘Cats in Victory’ was just great. Made me think of Thundercats, which made me wonder if that was one of the cartoons that inspired the author.”

Over at Lightspeed, Non Believer writes, “I think the ‘Cats in Victory’ story is a likely outcome of genetically enhanced intelligence in animals. Not the apocalyptic background, but the creation of those animals to be used as soldiers, slaves, servants. Our pets are our slaves, despite how awful it sounds. They are pampered, loved, and well cared for, but they are not free to leave. Even when they are free to leave, we have created a learned captivity behavior in them, so they don’t leave. I don’t say it’s bad. I am not one of those over-the-top PETA folks. I am saying that if we converted them into a more intelligent and interactive being, they would likely still be in the position of pet/food/slave. I hope we never go down that road.”

Filed Under: letters/comments/reviews

Strange Stupid Puzzle in Space Quest III

June 20, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 1 Comment

Okay, so here’s something that’s been bugging me since about say, I don’t know, 1989.

So in Space Quest III, you fall down a chute and land safely in a pile of garbage. As soon as this happens, creepy rat heads appear in the foreground, watching you:

Space Quest 3 screenshot rat

So see those ceiling lights with a power cable stretching between them? By tracing the cable back to its source, you locate a battery that you can take with you. (The lights then go out.) You climb up that ladder, and then a bit later you’re walking through this red corridor:

Space Quest 3 screenshot

When you’re in the middle of the screen, a burly rat comes running up, beats the crap out of you, and steals your battery.

Your first thought might be that the rat has taken the battery off to some rat hole or something where it’ll be safe from your meddling, and you’ll have to locate the rat hole and maybe make friends with the rat by giving it some cheese, or scare it off by playing a recording of a cat, or whatever. But there’s no rat hole. Eventually you wander back to the room where you found the battery and …


Yeah, I know that’s the same picture. So you get back to this room and everything looks exactly the same as before, and the battery is right back where you found it. You can take it again, but the rats are all still watching you, and if you’ve played any adventure games before you start to realize that … aha! Every time I walk through that red corridor, that rat is going to beat me up and take back his battery. I have to find some way to get through that corridor while maintaining possession of the battery. Maybe I’ll superglue it to my body. Maybe I’ll stick it in a hole in the wall, get beaten up by the rat, and then retrieve it. Who knows?

So you go back to the corridor …


… and this time, no rat. Problem solved. Rat never shows up again in the whole game. All you have to do is pick up the battery once, have it stolen, go back and pick it up again, and then go on your merry way.

So I guess the thing that’s been bugging me is … WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANY OF THAT? I don’t get it. Why are there rats in this game at all? Who designed this thing? What the hell? And also, what the hell?

Does anyone have an explanation for this?

Filed Under: nostalgia

Monkey Island 2 Special Edition July 7th

June 19, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

Okay, we’ve got a July 7th release date for the Monkey Island 2 special edition. Here’s a new video showing off some of the game’s features:


ETA: Listen to my December 2010 interview with Monkey Island creator Ron Gilbert.

Filed Under: video games

Geek’s Guide to the Galaxy Podcast Status Update

June 17, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 1 Comment

So some of you may have noticed that Episode 22 of Geek’s Guide to the Galaxy didn’t appear on schedule. Tor.com is scaling back on podcasting, at least for the time being, and things are a bit up in the air at the moment. We’d already completed our interview with George R. R. Martin, and that will definitely be made available at some point. Watch this thread for status updates.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

My Short Story “Cats in Victory” on the StarShipSofa Podcast

June 16, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment


I should mention that the podcast for my short story “Cats in Victory” was co-produced by StarShipSofa, and also appears in their Episode 141 alongside “Pressure” by thriller writer Jeff Carlson. I’ve been listening to StarShipSofa since the beginning, so it’s fun to have something appear there.

If you’ve read “Cats in Victory” and want to comment on it, you can do so over at Lightspeed. There are a handful of comments so far. Brett writes, “I was a little turned off at first that it was going to be a fantasy story, but my curiosity got the better of me. I’m glad I kept reading.” Marianne writes, “Great story. I really enjoyed it.” And Chris writes, “Loved this. Loved it so much. Well done.”

Over on my Facebook page, Katie writes, “I think you read this at Alpha (’08). I loved this story!” To which I replied, “Yup, this is the same story I read at Confluence in ’08. I remember that some people didn’t get to hear the end of it because they were all like, ‘Oh, we have to go see the guest of honor speech blah blah blah.’ Some friends they are. I was tempted to never publish this story just so those people would never get to find out how it ends, but finally I decided to take mercy on them.” To which Katie replies, “Well, I’m glad it’s finally published! I’ve been telling friends about this story and now they can read it!” Rachel adds, “Oh, yeah, I remember this story! And you should consider the heretics who failed to listen to the whole story justly punished, since they had to wait until now for the final revelation of Cat’s will. Like Katie, I’m glad it’s now in a place where I can make people read it.”

Thanks everyone for your comments!

Filed Under: letters/comments/reviews

Lightspeed Magazine Podcast at iTunes

June 15, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

Lightspeed magazine now has a podcast available through iTunes, which includes my story “Cats in Victory.”

Lightspeed podcast at itunes

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Cats in Victory in Lightspeed Magazine

June 15, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

It’s Caturday! Yes, that’s right, my story “Cats in Victory” is now live over at Lightspeed magazine. The audio version is performed by Rajan Khanna. Check it out.

Cats in Victory David Barr Kirtley Lightspeed Science Fiction Magazine

Filed Under: my fiction

HBO Game of Thrones Teaser Trailer

June 13, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 1 Comment

Here’s the teaser trailer for HBO’s Game of Thrones (and when they say “teaser,” they ain’t kidding). Not much to it. A few quick cuts of guys in the woods. Still fun to see. In the freeze-frame below, I think what we’re looking at is Ned Stark beheading the deserter Gared in Chapter 1. I think the other guy is Theon Greyjoy.

HBO Game of Thrones teaser trailer

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Intergalactic Medicine Show New Website

June 13, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

Orson Scott Card’s Intergalactic Medicine Show is back from hiatus with a spiffy new website:

Orson Scott Card's Intergalactic Medicine Show

They also have a new deal where you can subscribe for $15 and get access to all the back issues. (Issue 9 includes my dark comedy/political allegory animal quest fantasy “Red Road.”)

Filed Under: Uncategorized

  • « Previous Page
  • 1
  • …
  • 18
  • 19
  • 20
  • 21
  • 22
  • …
  • 64
  • Next Page »

David on Social Media

Geeks Guide to the Galaxy

Geeks Guide to the Galaxy

Geek's Guide to the Galaxy is a podcast hosted by author David Barr Kirtley and produced by Lightspeed Magazine editor John Joseph Adams. The show features conversations about fantasy & science … Read more

“The Skull-Faced Boy”

By David Barr Kirtley

View Book

“Family Tree”

By David Barr Kirtley

View Book

  • Home
  • Bio
  • Stories
  • Books & Magazines
  • Podcast
  • Blog
  • Contact

Recent Posts

  • Roger Barr
  • Noah Manners
  • Top 10 Geeky YouTube Videos
  • Felicia Day Issues a Geek Call to Arms
  • Alpha Workshop Readings 2013

Roger Barr

My grandfather Roger Barr passed away early this morning at the age of 98. He was my mom’s father, and was my last surviving grandparent. He was being cared for by my uncle Steve (his son) and aunt Denice — both medical professionals — and was still sharp and good-humored in his final days. Yesterday […]

David on Social Media

  • Facebook
  • Google+
  • Twitter
  • Deviant Art
  • Goodreads
  • Amazon

David Barr Kirtley

David Barr Kirtley is the host of the Geek’s Guide to the Galaxy podcast, for which he’s interviewed over four hundred guests, including George R. R. Martin, Richard Dawkins, Paul Krugman, Simon Pegg, Margaret Atwood, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Ursula K. Le Guin. His short fiction appears in the book Save Me Plz and Other Stories.
Content © 2025 David Barr Kirtley unless noted. Site by Sunray Computer.