David Barr Kirtley

Science fiction author and podcaster

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Retrospective: Phantasie

December 15, 2011 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

Phantasie from SSI was the first computer role-playing game I ever played seriously, and the first one I ever beat. It came out in 1985, so I would have been around eight years old. I also spent a lot of time playing Phantasie III. Both games are basically the same, with some minor differences. (Phantasie II wasn’t released for the PC, so I never played it.)

phantasie ssi game box   phantasie ssi game box

In both games, you start out in a town, which is basically just a bunch of menu options. Every town looks the same and has the same menu:

phantasie ssi game screenshot

One interesting feature was the bank. You could deposit money in the bank, then withdraw it from any other bank in any other town. That meant that if monsters robbed you (see below), you were only at risk of losing the money you were carrying, not all the money you owned.

Before you started adventuring, you needed to roll up a party of six heroes. Here are the hero graphics from Phantasie III:

phantasie ssi game screenshot

Along the top row you’ve got your standard hero races: human, dwarf, elf, gnome, and halfling. You could also select “random,” which would throw out all manner of weird monsters — trolls, ogres, lizard men, pixies, minotaurs, etc. (The bottom row.) Pixies and sprites made good thieves, and big ugly monsters like trolls and ogres made good fighters, but the downside to picking them was that training them was very expensive, due to racism on the part of the training guilds. In Phantasie it was helpful to have a minotaur in the party, since there was a city of minotaurs that you could only enter if there was a minotaur in your party.

Once your party’s assembled, you’d explore the world by navigating an overhead map:

phantasie ssi game screenshot

On the first few screens you’d get a complete map, but after that you’d see only a black screen, which would get filled in as you explored. You’d also encounter bands of roving monsters. Sometimes you’d spot them first, and have the choice to either sneak off or take them by surprise. Sometimes you’d catch them sleeping, and have the chance to hack away at them as they woke up one by one. Or they might surprise you or catch you sleeping. At any point during an encounter either side would have the option to greet the other party, threaten them, beg for mercy, or run away. Threatening monsters was a good way to get your hands on their gold without having to actually fight, and begging for mercy was a way that you could avoid a fight by handing over all your gold.

That variety of scenarios and options made things interesting, but of course most encounters led to bloodshed, especially if you’d entered the monsters’ lair. (Each dungeon involved a separate map that got filled in as you explored.) Combat was played out on its own screen, with your heroes lined up along the bottom:

phantasie ssi game screenshot

Melee fighters could hit the first two rows, and you could choose which row to attack, but you couldn’t target individual monsters. Higher level fighters could attack multiple times per turn, but at the cost of missing more often. Thieves could skulk around and strike at the back row. Magic could also target any row, and the different spells were basically a tradeoff between spells that weakened lots of monsters a little bit versus spells that did a lot of damage to one particular monster.

Mostly the monsters got more powerful the farther you ventured from home, but one big exception was black knights, who could show up anywhere:

phantasie ssi game screenshot

They were among the most powerful monsters in the game, so you’d have no choice but to run whenever you saw them, sort of like the Nazgul in Fellowship of the Ring. This made it especially gratifying toward the end of the game when you were finally strong enough to stand up to them and defeat them.

If every member of your party was killed, you’d travel to the astral plane, where each character would face judgment:

phantasie ssi game screenshot

It was never clear to me what criteria were being applied. If the powers really didn’t like a character, that character would be destroyed, and would be gone forever. Most of the time the character would be made undead, and would come back as a crappier version of himself who was unable to learn anything new. Or a character might be resurrected, and suffer only a minor stat penalty. Most of the time if the party was killed it was better to just reload your game (there was one save slot, which could only be accessed from town), but if you’d gotten your hands on some spectacular loot or if you didn’t want to spend hours replaying a particular sequence, you might choose to live with the consequences of being judged.

Another interesting feature of Phantasie is that the game kept track of the age of each character, and when the characters reached a certain age their base stats declined enormously. It was really a shock the first time that happened, and it was really heartbreaking to have to dismiss all these characters I’d grown attached to, including my minotaur, “Bully.” (I rolled up a new character to replace him, “Bully II.”) This aging of the characters really drove home the epic scale of the quest — that breaking the stranglehold of the evil wizard Nikademus would take generations. It also limited your ability to endlessly grind up the stats of your characters, though you could still transfer all the magical gear you’d acquired to your fresh young heroes, so it wasn’t as if you were completely starting over from scratch.

Two incidents really stick out for me from Phantasie III. Near the beginning, your party is sent to attend the funeral of a fallen hero. Then the main bad guy Nikademus appears and starts blasting everyone with fireballs. As the mourners lie dead and wounded, Nikademus declares that you are all fools to defy him, and teleports away. Then later there’s a part where you find a hut on the bank of a river, and there’s a kindly old man there serving magic soup that permanently increases your base stats. Nothing else in the game can do that, so it’s a huge deal. Then the old man reveals himself as Nikademus in disguise, and he promises that this is only a taste of the power that can be yours if you join with him. He then vanishes. Both those moments are really just creepy and unsettling.

I never did beat Phantasie III. It’s short, but it’s hard. A lot of the difficulty comes from the fact that the game features body part-specific damage. Powerful blows can now injure, break, or remove arms, legs, and heads:

phantasie ssi game screenshot

It sounds cool, but in practice it’s really frustrating, as your characters are now vastly more fragile, and it seems like half the time everyone’s out of commission due to a missing arm or head or something. There’s one part of the game where you have to venture into this giant tent where a battle is in progress in order to meet with Lord Wood, leader of the forces of light. (I imagine the game’s designer Doug Wood was trying to position himself as a video game celebrity on the order of Lord British, but I don’t think it ever really caught on.) I could make it to Lord Wood, but then you have to fight your way back out of the tent again, and practically every step you take you encounter another giant. I don’t think I ever made it past that part.

So for me at least that’s where the story of Phantasie ends. In a big tent with Lord Wood getting pounded on by giants:

phantasie ssi game screenshot

If you want to see these games in action, there are videos up on YouTube of Phantasie and Phantasie III (from which I grabbed some of these screenshots). There are also good writeups of Phantasie and Phantasie III over at CRPG Addict.

Filed Under: nostalgia, video games

Retrospective: Rise of the Dragon

January 10, 2011 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

For whatever reason I just found myself thinking about Rise of the Dragon, a 1990 point-and-click adventure game developed by Dynamix (which at that point had recently been acquired by Sierra). This game takes all the best elements of Blade Runner and, uh, Blade Runner to present a nightmarish future vision in which Los Angeles is overrun with crime, drugs, and pollution, if you can imagine such a thing.

rise of the dragon computer game

The game features cool graphic novel-style cut scenes to advance the story. In the first of these, we see a nice young woman taking some street drugs that function sort of like a nicotine patch from hell, killing and horribly mutating her.

rise of the dragon computer game

Turns out this girl was the mayor’s daughter, and he doesn’t want it getting into the papers that she was mixed up in crime and drugs, so he hires you, private investigator Blade Hunter, to discreetly look into her death. Aside from two stupendously bad side-scrolling action sequences, the game is played from a first-person viewpoint and uses a drag-and-drop interface, which was cutting-edge stuff back then. One of the first things you do in the game is get dressed by dragging your clothes onto a picture of your character.

rise of the dragon computer game

You can actually leave your apartment without getting dressed, in which case you’re immediately arrested for indecent exposure (and lose the game). This establishes a pattern that will repeat itself throughout Rise of the Dragon. You will lose the game. Over and over. A lot. Did you not say exactly the right thing to any character? Lose the game. Mouth off or pick a fight with anybody, anywhere? Get beat up and lose the game. (See that exquisitely muscled torso? Don’t be fooled. Anyone in this game can beat you up.) Fail to show prophetic insight into where you should be at any given instant? Lose the game. This game is INSANELY frustrating. Practically every puzzle requires that you fail (and lose the game) a few times in order to figure out what you’re supposed to do. You proceed by trial and error, and this game introduced me to the dubious pleasure of clicking everything on everything to see if anything happens. Lots of events in the world don’t happen until a particular time, which makes them easy to miss (and lose the game), so you spend a lot of time wandering around with nothing to do because some critical event hasn’t happened yet, and you’re constantly tempted to just let time pass and see if anything happens, but of course that risks missing the critical event (and losing the game). And of course, if you don’t make it back to your apartment by bedtime, your character will simply go to sleep on the sidewalk, where he is promptly mugged (and you lose the game).

So why would anyone ever play this game? Two reasons. 1) Because you’re an adolescent with nothing better to do and a near-pathological commitment to solving puzzle games, and 2) Because there is some cool, creepy, messed up shit in this game. King’s Quest this ain’t.

For example, you quickly track down the guy who sold the tainted drugs that killed the mayor’s daughter. This drug dealer’s associates in the Chinese mafia are displeased with him for bringing them to the attention of the mayor, so they express their displeasure by tying him up and covering his body with drug patches, which causes his skin to melt off.

rise of the dragon computer game

You then find yourself at odds with a local mob boss. There’s also some prophecy about how you’re going to have to fight a dragon who’s been imprisoned for the last 5,000 years. An old wise man gives you three good luck charms: a book of ancient wisdom, a blessed stone, and a flak jacket. The book and stone are completely worthless, but the vest will stop bullets. That’s pretty funny.

rise of the dragon computer game

Then the mob boss kidnaps your girlfriend, and you bust into his office building to save her. You find her strapped to a chair with a collar around her neck that in just a few seconds is going to inject her with fatally mutation-inducing sludge.

rise of the dragon computer game

Failing to save her results in one of the most famously disturbing scenes in all of video games.

Oh what the hell. You’re curious, right? It looks like this:

rise of the dragon computer game

rise of the dragon computer game

rise of the dragon computer game

Failing to save your girlfriend is actually one of the very few actions you can take in the entire game that doesn’t cause you to lose the game. You just end up getting the “sad ending.”

Anyway, shortly after you rescue your girlfriend (or don’t), you find yourself in a basement/cave where a bunch of cultists are worshiping the mob boss, who right before your eyes transforms into a frickin’ dragon, man. That’s also pretty creepy, the way it’s drawn:

rise of the dragon computer game

rise of the dragon computer game

rise of the dragon computer game

Then you kill him.

So anyway, that’s Rise of the Dragon. The pros: Good graphics (for the time), cutting edge interface (for the time), pretty good story, and lots of freaky, freaky shit, man. The cons: Insanely frustrating, kinda short. Definitely one-of-a-kind, though.

Filed Under: nostalgia, video games

Best ’80s Cartoon Music

August 23, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

In today’s installment of ’80s cartoon nostalgia we’ll be covering the best tunes to appear in such shows. First off, Pole Position. Seriously, check out this song. I’ll wait.

Pole Position 80s cartoon

Ba ba bum, they are always fighting crime…

Oh, sorry, where was I? Yeah, so Pole Position. This was based on the popular arcade machine of the day, which was a straightforward speedway racing game. Of course to turn it into a cartoon you’ve got to make it more like Knight Rider and also make the cars fly and put in an adorable rodent and stuff. Actually, I have no idea what this show is about. It looks pretty stupid, and I don’t think I ever actually watched it, but I used to just listen to the theme music and then change the channel. I’d love to get a good remix of this song. There are a few attempts on YouTube, but as far as I’m concerned they’re all stuck in neutral.

Next up, Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors. Another great song. Another show I’ve completely forgotten. It’s about heroes in battle cars who battle plant monsters who transform into battle cars. None of these characters are ringing a bell at all. Looks like there’s a Han Solo rip-off, a little girl, and a freaking wizard? Hmm, no idea. I am sure I used to have the toy for this monster though, the one who wields the fibrous penta-flail:

Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors cartoon

And last but certainly not least, Stan Bush’s epic “Dare” song from Transformers: The Movie (1986). You can watch the part in which this song appears here.

Transformers the movie cartoon 1986

I still think this sequence is filmmaking at its finest. Notice how it kind of makes sense and there are actual emotions and you can actually tell what’s going on, in contrast to Michael Bay’s recent craptacular feature films, which possessed none of these virtues and which as far as I’m concerned succeeded only in transforming 350 million dollars into two steaming piles of dogshit. I’ve previously written about Transformers here, here, and here. I also wrote a short story called “Transformations” that some people seem to think is vaguely reminiscent of Transformers.

Filed Under: nostalgia

Forgotten ’80s Cartoons – M.A.S.K.

August 21, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 1 Comment

So in this installment of ’80s cartoons, I’ll be talking about M.A.S.K. That stands for “Mobile Armored Strike Kommand.” Yeah, I know that’s not how you spell “command.” Yeah, that bugs me too.

This one really is more of a “forgotten” ’80s cartoon, at least by me, because I honestly remember almost nothing about this show, despite the fact that I used to love it and owned at least a dozen of the toy vehicles (which I actually remember a lot better than the actual show).

Anyway, it’s about a secret task force named M.A.S.K., led by billionaire philanthropist/crime fighter Matt Tracker, who owns a car that can transform into a fighter jet:

MASK 80s cartoon

In fact, every hero and villain in M.A.S.K. has some sort of normal vehicle that turns into a more badass vehicle — a motorcycle that turns into a helicopter, a jeep that turns into a speedboat, a helicopter that turns into a fighter jet, a truck that turns into a tank, etc. Each of the heroes and villains also has a high-tech super-powered helmet:

MASK 80s cartoon

So far so good, right? Now we come to the characters:

MASK 80s cartoon

Um, yeah, who are you guys? Have we met? I sort of remember that the guy on the left is irrepressibly cheerful, and the guy in the middle is pissed off all the time (though you probably would be too if you’d been assigned to wear the yellow/magenta Sgt. Pepper uniform). But names? Not a clue. And who’s that guy on the right? I don’t remember him at all. That’s really not a good sign.

Half an hour later…

Okay, so I just went and re-watched the first episode. It basically makes no sense whatsoever, and just consists of showing off all the awesome abilities of the helmets and vehicles in a “Hey, isn’t this shit cool? Don’t you want to bug your parents to buy you some of this cool shit?” kind of way. I mean, it is the first episode, so I guess they have to establish what the different powers are and stuff, and maybe subsequent episodes have more of a story, but I find myself unwilling to soldier on in order to find out.

In fact, I only remember the actual plot of one M.A.S.K. episode. In it, the good guys and the bad guys are racing to uncover buried treasure, and at the end the good guys fail and the bad guys get to the treasure first, but then it turns out that the “treasure” consists entirely of worthless Confederate currency. The idea that cash could become completely worthless if the government that had issued it collapsed was a new concept to me at the time, and struck me as very cool.

Each episode also ends with a few seconds of helpful advice for kids, stuff like “Look both ways before crossing the street” and “Don’t lie to your parents” and “Always wear a condom” and “In the event of a fire, don’t try to save your pets, just let them burn” and “Never get involved in a land war in Asia.” I guess some of that advice actually did come in handy, so I guess watching M.A.S.K. wasn’t a total waste of time. Thanks, M.A.S.K.!

MASK 80s cartoon

Filed Under: nostalgia

Retrospective on ’80s Cartoons – The Real Ghostbusters

August 15, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

I think that Ghostbusters was the first movie I saw multiple times (five times) in the theater, and I was a big fan of the cartoon as well. It was called The Real Ghostbusters to distinguish it from a different, suckier cartoon called The Ghost Busters that was on during the same period and that had nothing to do with the movie. I remembered this being a pretty well-written show, but I was still surprised, looking over the episode list, to see how many of them were actually written by authors whose names I recognize (notably J. Michael Straczynski, Michael Reaves, and David Gerrold). There are three episodes I remember in particular, and I’m pretty sure that’s because these were some of the scariest ones I saw.

In the first of these, “The Thing in Mrs. Faversham’s Attic,” the Ghostbusters are called to the home of an elderly lady named Mrs. Faversham who complains of sinister thumping and laughter that emanates from her attic. The Ghostbusters investigate, and discover that the attic is impossibly large, and that every object in the attic seems suffused with malicious intelligence. Peter conducts a conversation with a creepy coatrack who demands that Peter bring him “Faversham.”

The Real Ghostbusters cartoon

When negotiations break down, the Ghostbusters attempt to flee the attic, only to find that the exit has vanished. It seems that the evil entity controls this space so completely that if it doesn’t want there to be an exit, there isn’t one. Fortunately the Ghostbusters are able to distract it enough with their proton beams that the exit reappears, and they’re able to escape.

But why, they wonder, would a being of such obvious power not simply follow them down out of the attic? After further questioning Mrs. Faversham, they deduce that her father had summoned this evil entity in hopes of bargaining with it for wealth, and when that hadn’t worked out he’d performed a spell to trap it in the attic.

The Real Ghostbusters cartoon

Eventually they’re able to trick it into manifesting itself, and are able to capture it in one of their ghost traps.

The next episode I really remember, and definitely the scariest one, is called “The Boogieman Cometh.” In this one, a pair of children attempt to hire the Ghostbusters to rid their closet of the “Boogieman.” Peter is skeptical, but Egon reveals that he too was once a victim of the Boogieman, who’s a sort of psychic vampire who feeds off the fear of children. And I don’t blame those kids one bit, because the Boogieman as drawn here still makes my skin crawl:

The Real Ghostbusters cartoon

The Ghostbusters eventually trail the Boogieman into his lair, an Escher-esque realm where gravity and perspective mean nothing, and which is full of doorways leading into the closets of the Boogieman’s various victims.

The Real Ghostbusters cartoon

I sort of wonder if anyone who worked on Pixar’s Monsters, Inc. had seen this episode, because there are a lot of similarities, right down to the climax — a chase scene that goes into and out of different closets and bedrooms.

The last episode I really remember is called “The Man Who Never Reached Home.” In it, the Ghostbusters have stopped at a diner when Ray encounters a man in a horse and buggy who asks for directions to Providence. Ray gives directions, but the man refuses to believe him. The man has been riding all night, he says, and yet he never seems to get any closer to home. He then flees in terror, just ahead of a mysterious cowled horseman, who rides off after him.

The Real Ghostbusters cartoon

A diner employee reveals that the guy in the buggy is Queg, a local man who disappeared over a hundred years ago and who reappears periodically, still trying to find his way home. Ray determines to help this poor ghost. The Ghostbusters manage to track down Queg, and Ray urges him to step down from his buggy. This leads Egon, who’s studying a ghost-meter, to remark, “Ray, I don’t think he can get down from the buggy. It and the horse are powerful class 9 spectres. Queg’s merely a class 6. He’s not strong enough to resist them.” I’ve always loved that line.

In the end, Ray convinces Queg to turn and face the rider who has harried him all these years, and Queg agrees. In a flash of lightning, Queg spies the face of his pursuer for the first time:

The Real Ghostbusters cartoon

“That’s my face!” Queg cries. “It … it’s me. I’ve been running away from … myself.” Holy shit, Real Ghostbusters. You just blew my mind.

Queg summons up the courage to face himself, and is then free, after all these years, to finally go home.

Filed Under: nostalgia

Retrospective: Richard Garriott’s Ultima Series

August 11, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 2 Comments

Update: In March of 2014 I interviewed Richard Garriott about the Ultima series and his new game Shroud of the Avatar.

 
One of my favorite computer game series is Richard Garriott’s Ultima series, which at its artistic peak, from Ultima IV through Ultima VII, achieved the highest level of ambition and art that I’m aware of in video games.

Ultima 4 game art Ultima 5 game art Ultima 6 game art

I never played the first three Ultima games, but I know the general outlines. In Ultima, you have to kill an evil wizard named Mondain. He’s created a gem that makes him immortal, so the only way to kill him is to travel back in time to before he made the gem. In Ultima II, you have to kill Mondain’s protege/lover, the sorceress Minax. In Ultima III, you have to kill a demonic being named Exodus, who is actually some sort of AI machine who can only be destroyed by inserting into his body the proper Tarot cards, a la computer punch cards. So far it’s pretty standard RPG stuff.

Ultima IV is different. In that one there’s no big bad guy you have to kill. Instead, the main focus of the game is on moral self-improvement. As you journey through the game world, completing quests and acquiring items, you’re constantly tested on your adherence to eight virtues — honesty, compassion, valor, honor, justice, sacrifice, humility, and spirituality. Only a character who behaves in an exemplary fashion can successfully complete the game.

Ultima IV established a model that would be repeated in Ultima V and Ultima VI. Each game begins with you living your ordinary life on earth:

Ultima 6 game intro

You then encounter a glowing gateway which transports you into a magical realm:

Ultima 6 game intro

You are then presented with a series of ethical dilemmas, each of which pits two of the eight virtues against each other:

Ultima 6 game intro

The type of character you’ll be in the game depends on what choices you make. For example, a person who values valor above all other virtues will play the game as a warrior.

In Ultima IV, the final quest you have to complete is to venture into a volcanic labyrinth called the Stygian Abyss and retrieve an artifact called The Codex of Ultimate Wisdom, a magical book that always falls open to the page containing exactly what you wanted to know. In true Indiana Jones fashion, claiming the Codex causes massive tectonic upheaveals, and a vast catacomb opens beneath the earth. The benevolent ruler of the realm, Lord British (an alter ego of series creator Richard Garriott), leads an expedition to chart this new environment, but his party never returns. In his absence, his aide Lord Blackthorn goes mad and imposes an absolutist interpretation of the eight virtues, e.g. be honest or have your tongue ripped out. You then find yourself, in Ultima V, acting as a sort of Robin Hood-style outlaw, trying to take down the system that your example helped inspire.

In Ultima VI, Lord British has been restored to the throne, but problems persist. Strange new creatures called gargoyles have been emerging from the underground catacombs and wreaking havoc. The gargoyles even lure you through a moongate and attempt to sacrifice you in ritual fashion:

Ultima 6 game intro

Fortunately you’re rescued by your loyal friends. Ultima VI is subtitled “The False Prophet,” and it’s not initially clear who or what the false prophet is, but presumably he’s some sort of villain, probably a gargoyle. In Ultima VI, the earth is literally flat — you can sail to the edge and look over the side — and you eventually discover that the catacombs you inadvertently opened in Ultima IV lead all the way through the earth and emerge on the opposite side, where the gargoyles dwell. You then discover that the tectonic upheavals that created the catacombs are destroying their world, causing their cities to sink into the sea, and only a small island yet remains to them. It turns out that the Codex was their greatest treasure, and that you are the False Prophet who stole it from them, and that your sacrifice will save their world. Fortunately you’re able to negotiate a peace between humans and gargoyles, and to arrange for the Codex to be shared between them:

Ultima 6 game ending

In Ultima VII, you return to the magical realm of Britannia and immediately get caught up in trying to solve a string of ritual murders. You soon cross paths with Batlin, the leader of a new self-help organization called the Fellowship, who disdain healers in favor of willing yourself back to health and who promote their own ethical system as an alternative to the eight virtues. The Fellowship is obviously a satire of the Church of Scientology, right down to their leader Batlin, who bears a striking resemblance to L. Ron Hubbard:

Ultima 7 Batlin   L. Ron Hubbard

If you live in New York, you constantly encounter Scientologists in the subway stations offering to give you free “stress tests” which invariably reveal that you’re terribly stressed out and can only be cured by Scientology. Likewise, in Ultima VII Batlin administers a personality test to you, sort of a warped echo of the eight virtues questions, except in this test every choice you pick is the wrong answer and reveals deep flaws in your character that only the Fellowship can help you overcome. There’s a Fellowship hall in each town, and the members gather there each night and tell their stories. You quickly realize that all the biggest jerks in any given town are members of the Fellowship, and that their tales of how the Fellowship has helped them are deeply unreliable — for example, the town bully might talk about how the Fellowship has helped him to assert himself. The Fellowship also engages in scuzzy behavior like trying to coerce the poor into joining by offering charitable services only to its members. As with any cult, most of the low-level members are well-meaning dupes, but Batlin and the upper echelons of the leadership have a very sinister agenda — to use member donations to finance the construction of a black moongate that will allow the evil godlike being they worship to cross into Brittannia:

Ultima 7 game ending

Throughout the game, this evil entity, called the Guardian, talks to you in your head, playing cruel mind games with you.

Ultima IV, Ultima V, Ultima VI, and Ultima VII were true works of art and obvious labors of love. Ultima VII in particular featured just a staggering amount of detail. You could pick up and use just about any object in the game, and there were a hundred or more characters each with their own personality, daily schedule, and conversation tree. Unfortunately creating something like that wasn’t cheap, and Garriott faced the constant prospect of financial ruin if one of the games underperformed. He eventually agreed to sign up with his biggest rival, Electronic Arts (EA). Hints of this rivalry are woven into the plot of Ultima VII. The ritual murders are being committed by a couple named Elizabeth and Abraham (initials E & A), and the Guardian is exerting malign magical influence on the realm through the use of three giant monoliths — a cube, a sphere, and a pyramid (at the time, EA’s logo consisted of a cube, a sphere, and a pyramid). Unfortunately the merger turned out to be basically the end of Ultima. Future installments were rushed out the door to make a quick buck, and were buggy and disappointing.

I understand that the rights to the Ultima IP are so tangled that we’re unlikely to ever see another installment, which is a terrible shame. It would be great to play a new Ultima adventure that returned to the quality of Ultima VII. Failing that, it would be great to see more games that incorporated the sort of fully-realized world, emphasis on storytelling, and thoughtful consideration of ethical issues that made the Ultima games so powerful and unique.

Filed Under: nostalgia, video games

Forgotten ’80s Cartoons – Bionic Six

August 9, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 1 Comment

Here’s another quite good cartoon from the ’80s that almost no one seems to remember — Bionic Six.

It’s about a seemingly normal family who secretly moonlight as superheroes. The backstory (as explained in flashback in Episode 10) is that the father had secretly been transformed into a bionic superhero by his scientist pal, then when the rest of the family was injured while on a skiing holiday, the father had no choice but to make them all bionic too:

bionic six cartoon

Their powers can be turned on and off, and only last a certain amount of time before having to be recharged. The family consists of a father and mother, their two biological kids — a boy jock and a girl airhead — and their two adopted kids — an African-American science nerd and a Japanese-born martial arts enthusiast. There’s also a robot gorilla, but the less said about him the better. This was honestly never my favorite show growing up, as I always found its relentless cheerfulness somewhat cloying, but it does have its moments, and I just re-watched some of the episodes I remember most vividly, and I think I’d have to say that so far this show actually holds up better than any other old cartoons I’ve tried to go back and re-watch.

In one episode, Eric, the jock, gets scouted by the Yankees, and is invited to New York to compete for a baseball scholarship. Eric has always been a local sports star, but he quickly realizes that he’s badly outclassed here. In particular there’s a phenomenal young athlete named Corky who goes out of his way to mock Eric’s ineptitude:

bionic six cartoon

Eric gets angry and rationalizes to himself why it’s right that he should get to use his bionics to compete, and soon he’s blowing Corky out of the water. Later Eric finds Corky crying. Corky apologizes for acting like a jerk earlier, and confides that his parents have scrimped and saved their whole lives in hopes of giving him a better life, and now that he’s blown his one big chance at a scholarship, he doesn’t know how he’ll ever face them. Eric feels terrible, and ultimately turns down the scholarship in favor of Corky. This was for me the best and most memorable story in the show. Eric had something he desperately wanted, he had to make a choice about whether to cheat or not, he rationalized his behavior in a fairly sophisticated way, then later a supposed villain was revealed to have hidden depths, and the situation became even more morally ambiguous than it had at first appeared, giving Eric an even tougher choice to make.

Speaking of this episode, I find it a little hard to believe that whoever animated this scene wasn’t enjoying himself just a little too much:

bionic six cartoon

Yeah, so Bunji just rescued his sister from an oncoming train. Why, what did you think was happening?

Another episode I remembered really vividly is one in which a wealthy heiress challenges the Bionic 6 to a test of wits, since she feels that their success is due entirely to their superpowers. The heroes have to navigate a mansion teeming with traps and puzzles, all of which are somehow related to Sherlock Holmes stories:

bionic six cartoon

It’s a fantastic premise which the episode itself unfortunately doesn’t really live up to. Mostly the heroes just battle robots who have only the most tenuous connection to anything in Conan Doyle. (The “hound of the Baskervilles,” for example, is a sword-wielding werewolf.) The episode is nonetheless pretty memorable, and did make me curious to read the stories whose titles were mentioned.

In one episode the family’s scientist pal opens a time portal and sends them on a mission to discover the source of the radiation that wiped out the dinosaurs. (Just FYI, the dinosaurs were not actually wiped out by radiation, but it makes a good cartoon.)

bionic six cartoon

So anyway, a few of the villains infiltrate the expedition, and one of them sneaks a laser gun through the portal. In the ensuing scuffle, the gun is damaged and falls to the ground. At the end of the episode, the scientist muses that they never did discover the source of the radiation that killed the dinosaurs, as the camera lingers over the forgotten laser gun, which is still beeping and sparking. I always found that immensely creepy and cool.

On that note, these old cartoons are full of directed-energy weapons. I guess it’s a matter of science fiction tradition — ray guns and all that — as well as convenience — you can’t really show bodies being shredded by bullets in a children’s cartoon, and these energy weapons all seem to do about as much damage as being slapped with a 2×4. But given the ubiquity of energy weapons in all the shows I grew up with, it was a bit of a shock for me to discover how unlikely they actually are — even if we could harness the power of cold fusion or antimatter, it’s just not clear how you could possibly generate enough energy inside a handheld object to make any sort of laser pistol feasible.

The finale of Bionic Six is called “That’s All, Folks,” and it’s full of fun meta touches. At the beginning, the heroes are watching an awards ceremony for a retiring cartoonist. But then the cartoonist goes off script in a Kanye West sort of way and reveals that he’s being forced into retirement by an uncaring studio so obsessed with focus groups that they’ve lost all perspective on what makes cartoons cool. (Yeah, the fact that this was the last episode of a canceled series is probably not coincidental.) The cartoonist then opens a glowing portal in the air and vanishes from the stage. The heroes eventually end up following him into an alternate dimension where everything behaves like in an old Warner Bros. cartoon:

bionic six cartoon

At the end of the episode, when the heroes are all safely back in their own world, one of them muses along the lines of, “You know, all the inhabitants of that cartoon universe didn’t know that they were just cartoons. It makes you wonder, how do we know that we’re not just cartoons too?” They immediately dismiss this as absurd, while outside their home goofy-looking cartoons critters scamper into view and start holding up signs saying, “Goodbye!”

Filed Under: nostalgia

Forgotten ’80s Cartoons – Inhumanoids

August 6, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 1 Comment

So I just got an email from my friend Josh, who I haven’t seen since high school. He and I went to Day Care together when we were little kids, and he remembers my early Cats in Victory books, and mentioned that he once bought an Inhumanoids action figure that I made. I’ve been meaning to post something about sadly neglected ’80s cartoons, and his email motivated me to write up an entry on Inhumanoids. It’s not really “forgotten,” since it still has fans and fan sites and stuff, but I definitely get a lot of blank stares when I bring it up, whereas everyone remembers He-Man, Transformers, ThunderCats, G.I. Joe, etc.

Inhumanoids is basically G.I. Joe meets H.P. Lovecraft. It’s about a team of scientists who wear power armor suits and who battle giant indestructible subterranean monsters. Incidentally, it has got to be one of the scariest children’s cartoons ever made. I’m astounded/eternally grateful that this was ever shown on Saturday mornings on American television. By far the scariest thing about it is the dinosaur-headed monster “D’Compose,” who has an exposed ribcage that he can swing open and shut in order to imprison hapless humans against his pulsating mass of internal organs:

D'Compose Inhumanoids

He also has a corrupting touch that can transform anyone into a giant zombie monstrosity who shrieks, “I am one with D’Compose!”:

D'Compose Inhumanoids

D'Compose Inhumanoids

D'Compose Inhumanoids

Seriously, I just re-watched this scene (toward the end of this clip) and it still gives me the creeps.

There was also a plant/slime monster called “Tendril,” who’s basically a dead ringer for Cthulhu:

Tendril Inhumanoids

He wasn’t as scary as D’Compose, but it was kind of creepy how any part of his body could grow into a whole new Tendril monster if you weren’t careful. Actually, given how overt the Lovecraft influence is here, I wish someone would’ve clued me in to that — I could have discovered Lovecraft fifteen years or so before I actually did.

The leader of the Inhumanoids is Metlar, though I always thought he looked pretty lame — sort of a werewolf in scale mail. He’s really powerful though, and ages ago the non-human good guys were able to imprison him by having two guys with an electromagnetic superpower just start blasting him, and not relent for thousands of years, since he’s indestructible:

Metlar Inhumanoids

I always found that really disturbing too, the thought of these two guys straining for countless years to keep this horrible monster at bay, both of them knowing that they’ll never be free of this obligation, never have any sort of life except standing in this cave, striving with evil, knowing that if their concentration or willpower ever flags, it’ll be the end of everything.

…Or so they think, because it turns out that the mad scientist Blackthorne Shore is able to learn enough about these guys’ electromagnetic superpower to be able to construct a power armor suit that gives him the same ability:

Blackthorne Inhumanoids

His sinister plan is to manipulate the Inhumanoids and achieve global conquest. Though what always disconcerted me most about Blackthorne wasn’t his evil schemes, but his mastery of science. I mean, imagine you’re these two guys who’ve been blasting Metlar 24-7 for the past few eons, and you have to keep doing it because you’re the only two who possess this incredible superpower, but then you find out that some mere human who’s an inconsequential 35 years old or whatever has come along and put together a freaking machine that can do everything you can do, only better. For whatever reason that plot development always gave me an almost vertiginous feeling about the potential of technology that was just as scary as the giant monsters.

Filed Under: nostalgia

Stupid Adventure Game Puzzles – King’s Quest III

July 10, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 1 Comment

So someone just asked me why I had griped about the stupid puzzles in King’s Quest II, King’s Quest IV, and King’s Quest V, but not in King’s Quest III. The answer basically is that there aren’t any rage-inducingly stupid puzzles in King’s Quest III, at least that I can think of. King’s Quest III is actually one of my favorite games of all time. You play as a teenage boy enslaved to an evil wizard. You have to sneak around his house and secretly learn magic, gathering spell ingredients and covering your tracks, and eventually defeat the wizard. But then it turns out that there’s a whole other part of the game that happens after that that ties in really nicely with the previous games. Wonderful stuff.

Since I had a request though, I’ll mention my least favorite puzzles in the game. These aren’t horrible, like some of the others, but they’re pretty “Meh.”

Early in the game you encounter this cave with a giant spiderweb woven over it:

King's Quest III screenshot spider cave

If you approach the cave, you get stuck in the web, and then a giant spider descends and devours you. You’ll probably waste a lot of time trying to think up clever ways to defeat a giant spider. Then at one point you mix up a spell called “Transforming into an eagle or a fly,” and if you transform into an eagle, you’ll snatch up the spider in your beak, carry him out to sea, and dump him in the ocean. That’s okay, I guess, but it’s just sort of a random, trial-and-error thing, unless there’s some fairy tale tradition I don’t know about involving eagles owning giant spiders.

Incidentally, after the spider is defeated, you enter the cave, where you find a robed oracle who tells your future. As a kid I always used to wonder about this guy. I mean, he’s in this featureless one-room cave, and the only entrance has been blocked up until now by a spiderweb. How does he get groceries? How does he go to the bathroom? Anyone else ever wonder about that?

Anyway…

Then later in the game you have to cross a snowy mountain range inhabited by the abominable snowman:

King's Quest III screenshot abominable snowman yeti

So you have to use that same spell and transform into a fly, and then fly past the abominable snowman, who’s not coordinated enough to swat you. So again … meh. It could work, I guess, but it’s not particularly clever or anything. It actually never occurred to me before that both those lame puzzles involve the same spell. Maybe they should’ve just ditched that spell and come up with some better way to defeat those two monsters.

The abominable snowman puzzle is also notable in that the exact same situation recurs in King’s Quest V, with a much, much stupider solution. So as far as I’m concerned they’re zero for two when it comes to yeti puzzles. Anyone out there have a clever solution for how to defeat a yeti?

If you’ve never played King’s Quest III, you really should. There’s a fan-made remake of it by Infamous Adventures, which features updated graphics, a point-and-click interface, and voice acting. I enjoyed the remake, though I did get stuck in it. As I recall I used a spoon to scoop up some mud, which I needed for a spell, but then I also needed that same spoon to measure out a spoonful of some ingredient for a different spell, and I couldn’t do it because the spoon was already full of mud. Maybe there’s some way to clean the spoon or something, but I just gave up at that point, so watch out for that one.

Update: Looks like there’s also a remake from Anonymous Game Developers called King’s Quest III: To Heir is Human Redux. I haven’t played it, but it looks pretty cool.

Filed Under: nostalgia

Stupid Adventure Game Puzzles – King’s Quest II

June 21, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 1 Comment

Oh wow, I guess I had managed to completely block out this next stupid-ass puzzle, but now I have — unfortunately — remembered it. This is from King’s Quest II, which is perhaps the weakest in the series, for reasons which will shortly become apparent.

So you arrive at this highly contrived geography with cliffs on either side and boulders blocking all but a narrow path guarded by a poisonous snake:

King's quest ii screenshot

Nothing works that you think to try — like maybe just scrambling over the low rocks and circling around the snake — until you realize that you’re carrying a … a … oh god I’m embarrassed to even write this down … a bridle. Yeah, that kind of bridle, the kind you put on a horse, and so of course you type “put bridle on snake.” Makes sense, right?

And then the snake turns into Pegasus, who explains that he was transformed into a snake by an evil wizard, and that this magic bridle is the only thing that could restore him to his proper form, and then he offers you a lift to your next destination.

No, I am not making this up.

Has there been any indication up to this point that the bridle is magic, or that Pegasus exists, or that the snake is anything besides just a normal snake? None whatsoever.

Puzzle design, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!

Filed Under: nostalgia

Stupid Adventure Game Puzzles – King’s Quest V

June 21, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 4 Comments

Okay we’re back, this time with some stupid puzzles from King’s Quest V. King’s Quest V was the first game of its kind to be in VGA (256 colors), and it’s absolutely gorgeous. It’s so gorgeous in fact that the designers seem to have decided that it would be excessively generous to make it logical and playable as well. The thing is just chock-full of dead ends and nonsensical puzzles. Here are two of the worst:

At one point you have to venture into a spooky forest and vanquish an evil witch. When you try to depart the forest however, you find that you’re trapped in a magical sort of time-space loop, treading the same paths over and over. Take a minute to imagine how you might escape from this predicament. Got any ideas?

If so, I’m 100% sure one of them was not, “Pour some peanut butter on the ground, and then drop jewels in the peanut butter, so that a greedy fairy who you’ve never heard of before will rush out of the bushes and get himself stuck in the peanut butter. If you free him, he’ll help you out.”

King's Quest 5 screenshot

Yeah, no joke. That’s actually what you have to do. And even if you somehow get it into your head to pour peanut butter on the ground, it only works in one particular spot — one totally arbitrary spot. Good luck figuring that one out.

Later in the game you’re crossing some snowy mountains. As you pass a cave mouth, a yeti comes racing toward you, and you have about two seconds to react before being disemboweled. So basically you die, restore your game, and have enough time to try using one inventory item against the yeti before you die and have to restore again, etc. Almost certainly the very last object in your inventory that you would think to use is your fresh-baked pie:

King's Quest 5 screenshot

Yeah, that’s right, the solution to the yeti “puzzle” is to give him the old pie-in-the-face. What the hell? Okay, using a mirror against Medusa, that makes sense. Using a crucifix against a vampire, fine. But using a freaking pie against a yeti? WTF?

Filed Under: nostalgia

Stupid Adventure Game Puzzles – King’s Quest IV

June 21, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 2 Comments

Okay, so here are some more of the stupidest adventure game puzzles of all time, this time from the King’s Quest series.

At the very,very beginning of King’s Quest IV, you stumble across this house in the woods:

King's Quest IV screenshot

When you go inside you find that the place seems to be the home of seven bachelors, and boy are they slobs. Aha, you think, I recognize this, and so you set to work cleaning up the joint. Soon the occupants return, grab some grub, and thank you for cleaning up after them. When they’re gone, you notice that they’ve left a present for you on the kitchen table — a bag of diamonds! Great, you think, I know a poor fisherman and his wife who could really use these. So then you give the diamonds to the fisherman and he rewards you with a fishing pole. Great, you’re really on your way now.

Except you’ve just LOST THE GAME. Yeah, that’s right, you lost the game and you don’t even know it, and you’ll play for hours and hours and hours until you’re almost at the very, very end, and then you’ll get to a dark cave and have no way to get through, and then you’ll play for hours and hours more, completely frustrated, trying to figure out just what the hell you’re supposed to do now.

Turns out what you have to do is start the game over from the very beginning. See, you know earlier when it seemed like those dwarves were giving you a bag of diamonds? Actually what happened is that they just accidentally left a bag of diamonds sitting around on the table during lunch (WTF?) and what you’re supposed to do is try to return it to them, in which case they say, “Nah, keep ’em,” and also give you a lantern that you can’t beat the game without. Oh my god, what SADISTIC FREAK designed this game?

Okay, I was actually planning to list two more, but now I’m so angry just from thinking about that one that I need a break. Back in a bit.

Filed Under: nostalgia

Strange Stupid Puzzle in Space Quest III

June 20, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley 1 Comment

Okay, so here’s something that’s been bugging me since about say, I don’t know, 1989.

So in Space Quest III, you fall down a chute and land safely in a pile of garbage. As soon as this happens, creepy rat heads appear in the foreground, watching you:

Space Quest 3 screenshot rat

So see those ceiling lights with a power cable stretching between them? By tracing the cable back to its source, you locate a battery that you can take with you. (The lights then go out.) You climb up that ladder, and then a bit later you’re walking through this red corridor:

Space Quest 3 screenshot

When you’re in the middle of the screen, a burly rat comes running up, beats the crap out of you, and steals your battery.

Your first thought might be that the rat has taken the battery off to some rat hole or something where it’ll be safe from your meddling, and you’ll have to locate the rat hole and maybe make friends with the rat by giving it some cheese, or scare it off by playing a recording of a cat, or whatever. But there’s no rat hole. Eventually you wander back to the room where you found the battery and …


Yeah, I know that’s the same picture. So you get back to this room and everything looks exactly the same as before, and the battery is right back where you found it. You can take it again, but the rats are all still watching you, and if you’ve played any adventure games before you start to realize that … aha! Every time I walk through that red corridor, that rat is going to beat me up and take back his battery. I have to find some way to get through that corridor while maintaining possession of the battery. Maybe I’ll superglue it to my body. Maybe I’ll stick it in a hole in the wall, get beaten up by the rat, and then retrieve it. Who knows?

So you go back to the corridor …


… and this time, no rat. Problem solved. Rat never shows up again in the whole game. All you have to do is pick up the battery once, have it stolen, go back and pick it up again, and then go on your merry way.

So I guess the thing that’s been bugging me is … WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANY OF THAT? I don’t get it. Why are there rats in this game at all? Who designed this thing? What the hell? And also, what the hell?

Does anyone have an explanation for this?

Filed Under: nostalgia

Phantasie Heroes of the Lance Rings of Zilfin Game CGA

April 15, 2010 by David Barr Kirtley Leave a Comment

John Joseph Adams and I were just recording some material for Geek’s Guide to the Galaxy in which we briefly discuss the horror that was CGA graphics. You kids today with your “Halo” and your “Super Mario Galaxy” will never understand what we went through. Not only did we only have FOUR colors to look at, but they were the four goddamn ugliest colors ever dreamt up in the twisted imagination of some sadistic dark god of color-blind computer engineers. Here are some screenshots to show you what I mean. Keep in mind that I spent literally HUNDREDS (possibly thousands) of hours playing these three games.

Heroes of the Lance game CGA

OH MY GOD MY EYES!!! This is Heroes of the Lance, a Dragonlance tie-in game.

Phantasie game town CGA

This is Phantasie, the first computer RPG I ever played all the way through. Man, when it comes to flooring, you just can’t beat cyan and magenta checkerboard. (Also read my retrospective on this game.)

Rings of Zilfin game CGA

This is Rings of Zilfin. The graphics in this game are so ugly that I literally cried the first time I saw them, especially considering that the evil lying game box had led me to believe that the graphics would look like this. “Sham”? Yeah, you got that right.

Filed Under: nostalgia

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David Barr Kirtley

David Barr Kirtley is an author and the host of the Geek’s Guide to the Galaxy podcast on Wired.com, for which he’s interviewed well over a hundred guests, including George R. R. Martin, Richard Dawkins, Paul Krugman, Simon Pegg, Margaret Atwood, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Ursula K. Le Guin.
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